So this weekend my girls were at their dad's house. Although I did see my husband on Friday and he informed me that I was a horrible parent! To him this divorce is very selfish of me and I am not putting our kids needs first. I did let him know that the girls are much happier to not be around all the drama that was in our household. I think this is his way of trying to get me to feel like I need him. He told me that I downsized our family and that now the girls and I live in a one bedroom apartment and that when I get home from work that there isn't even a hot meal for the girls. Mind you my kids are 15 and 11 they are not to young to get something to eat if they want it and I do cook. I pick them up from him after work and come home and cook for the girls! It just makes me so happy that I am no longer putting up with all the manipulation that he deals out to me. I am in the driver seat now and this is my life. He also told me that I can not wait to just go out and visit my friends. I am not a club or bar person, I never was and still to this day am not. It does not interest me. I just like to be surrounded by positive people who like me for me and not try to make me something that I am not. And this weekend all I did was meet my friend at the park and have lunch with her and saw my pregnant best friend for dinner, and went to church. I was pretty much home the entire time alone. Even as I am typing this blog I am getting text messages from him asking me on to go out with him to the movies or dinner. I am really not trying to hurt him but we both need to move on. He needs to be with someone who likes to be controlled and that is not me any longer. It never was but I was too weak to do anything about it. How do I let him know that it is really over? I thought I was pretty clear but the message isn't fully being received. Our home is just such a more peaceful place now. I have bad days like yesterday when I just cried for about an hour because it has been hard and I miss someone just being there but that isn't worth being unhappy.
I also am really trying to use coupons and get into the habit of shopping with them. I have such a small budget to work with and my church even paid my Feb rent this month. My husband isn't really wanting to pay child support so I am struggling a lot. I am not really sure how to go about getting more money from him because it just turns into a huge argument that I am tired of having. He paid for my car to be fixed in December so he paid about $1,000 so I can see his point but I also believe that I am the mother of his kids and he doesn't have any bills and lives with his parents but I will let it go because I don't need to depend on him any longer. If I have to get a second job for a short period of time then that is what I have to do. I am a big girl and can take care of my own. I love the bountiful baskets that I get weekly, although I will not get this weekend because it doesn't fit into my budget for the week. Plus I do have a lot left from this weekends baskets.
Sometimes I feel like such a failure and that I cheated my kids out of a whole family and it was me that caused the broken family but then I have to sit back and realize how calm and peaceful our home is. We aren't worried about what mood we are walking in to and how much he has drank and if it put him in a good mood or a bad mood or mad him angry. We don't really have to worry about that anymore. He has an illness and he needs to take care of himself. If not his time on this earth is shortened. Hid diabetes is out of control and he does not take care of himself so he is really playing with his own life.
I am trying to get my family to be really healthy. I love the bountiful baskets because it puts so much fresh fruit and vegetables right in front of us. Things I normally wouldn't buy are given to me. This weekend I did receive 4 yams or sweet potatoes I really don't know the difference. I am going to look up the picture online later so that I can figure out what I have and how to cook it because I really never cooked either one of those. On facebook I follow a page called Healthy Momma and they are doing a competition with weight loss and I joined. you had to email them your measurements and I have to say doing that was an eye opener for me. It was horrible. I really need to work on my weight and exercising on a regular basis. I have these waves of working out a lot and then not working out at all for a long period of time. I am at a weight I never thought that I would be and I am not worried about being skinny I just want to be healthy. So even though this competition is on facebook and it is really going off the honor system I am going to work and try my best.
I am thinking of selling my car and using public transportation because it is just going to break down again and I can not afford to fix it or to buy a new car. I am going to contemplate this for a while because I would have no way of going to the store and leaving to take the girls somewhere if they needed to go and I don't want to call him to come and help me because that just will give him more reason to try to hold on. So this will be something to think about for a while. I am going to try to see how much money I can save this month and see if I am able to put money away with every paycheck and see if I can build it up. We shall see.
Well that is all for now.
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