Life is good....

So in many ways this divorce is a blessing in so many areas. Now that I am back on weight watchers I don't have to worry about someone else cooking meals that are unhealthy. I am the only person preparing meals and shopping so I am the only one in charge of keeping good healthy items in the home. I have my weigh in on Sunday and I hope that I lose some weight. It is really hard because of my stupid foot and ankle that I am not able to do Zumba like I would like to. So the other evening I went to the little gym in my apartment complex and rode the stationary bike and did 5.2 miles. Tonight I plan on taking my nook in with me so that I can read and be able to last longer. And as soon as my foot gets better I am going to my mountain and do a hike with my daughters and restarting Zumba and some other classes that are offered at my local gym. I am wanting to really work towards doing runs and am thinking about getting the book "The Big Book of Marathon and Half-Marathons". I heard that it was good and gave you training exercises and goals I believe.

This weekend will be the 2nd weekend that my oldest daughter does not go to her dad's. She really isn't wanting to spend time with him because of the way he treats her. So I think that I am going to take her on her 2nd driving lesson. She is 15 and will be getting her driving permit in a few months. I took her once 2 weeks ago and she did amazing. I even let her drive on a neighborhood road and she did great!! Well I am off to have my healthy lunch now. I hope you all have a lovely day and hope one day someone will leave me a comment saying hi.

Rock bottom.....

So it has been a while since I have updated my blog. I have been very stressed out with this divorce crap. But I have come to the conclusion that things are going to be hard and if he doesn't want to pay child support that I will let the court handle things. Me complaining and stressing out and getting angry don't do anything to make the situation any better. So enough of that. Whatever is going to happen will. My closet is clean I have no skeletons and am being more than fair I believe. He is the one with plenty of history that he doesn't want brought out. We will see how it turns out.

So I have hit my rock bottom with my weight issue.
I was going to a wedding and even thought of wearing jeans, then I realized that no one wears jeans to a wedding how rude would that be to show up in jeans. So I put on my one skirt and my one shirt and my one pair of 4 inch wedges. Mind you I am not comfortable in anything but tennis shoes. But my friend had bought me these wedges and they are so cute. The bottom is really skinny though and I have to be careful how I walk. So I got all prettied up and left my apartment. I went down the stairs and around my building just fine but as soon as I hit the sidewalk by the cars BAM fell down. My phone went flying and purse went flying. I mean who does that? Who falls before they have had anything to drink. I can't even consider that a party foul that was just a plain fail. It turned out that I bruised up one leg real good and severely sprained my other foot. My foot was so swollen that I could not wear a show for several days and was to be on crutches. My foot finally feels better and I can wear a shoe but my ankle is still weak and hurts and my other leg is still in pain. But what bothered me the most was that it was hard for me to get up and put my shoes back on. On monday after this all happened I went to work and weighed myself and was horrified. I made the dicision right then to go on weight watchers. So as strapped for money as I am right now it is worth it to me because I need that weekly weigh in to keep me accountable. I will write more of my story tomorrow right now I have to leave to go home.

If this is how it will be it sucks

So this weekend my girls were at their dad's house. Although I did see my husband on Friday and he informed me that I was a horrible parent! To him this divorce is very selfish of me and I am not putting our kids needs first. I did let him know that the girls are much happier to not be around all the drama that was in our household. I think this is his way of trying to get me to feel like I need him. He told me that I downsized our family and that now the girls and I live in a one bedroom apartment and that when I get home from work that there isn't even a hot meal for the girls. Mind you my kids are 15 and 11 they are not to young to get something to eat if they want it and I do cook. I pick them up from him after work and come home and cook for the girls! It just makes me so happy that I am no longer putting up with all the manipulation that he deals out to me. I am in the driver seat now and this is my life. He also told me that I can not wait to just go out and visit my friends. I am not a club or bar person, I never was and still to this day am not. It does not interest me. I just like to be surrounded by positive people who like me for me and not try to make me something that I am not. And this weekend all I did was meet my friend at the park and have lunch with her and saw my pregnant best friend for dinner, and went to church. I was pretty much home the entire time alone. Even as I am typing this blog I am getting text messages from him asking me on to go out with him to the movies or dinner. I am really not trying to hurt him but we both need to move on. He needs to be with someone who likes to be controlled and that is not me any longer. It never was but I was too weak to do anything about it. How do I let him know that it is really over? I thought I was pretty clear but the message isn't fully being received. Our home is just such a more peaceful place now. I have bad days like yesterday when I just cried for about an hour because it has been hard and I miss someone just being there but that isn't worth being unhappy.


I also am really trying to use coupons and get into the habit of shopping with them. I have such a small budget to work with and my church even paid my Feb rent this month. My husband isn't really wanting to pay child support so I am struggling a lot. I am not really sure how to go about getting more money from him because it just turns into a huge argument that I am tired of having. He paid for my car to be fixed in December so he paid about $1,000 so I can see his point but I also believe that I am the mother of his kids and he doesn't have any bills and lives with his parents but I will let it go because I don't need to depend on him any longer. If I have to get a second job for a short period of time then that is what I have to do. I am a big girl and can take care of my own. I love the bountiful baskets that I get weekly, although I will not get this weekend because it doesn't fit into my budget for the week. Plus I do have a lot left from this weekends baskets.

Sometimes I feel like such a failure and that I cheated my kids out of a whole family and it was me that caused the broken family but then I have to sit back and realize how calm and peaceful our home is. We aren't worried about what mood we are walking in to and how much he has drank and if it put him in a good mood or a bad mood or mad him angry. We don't really have to worry about that anymore. He has an illness and he needs to take care of himself. If not his time on this earth is shortened. Hid diabetes is out of control and he does not take care of himself so he is really playing with his own life.

I am trying to get my family to be really healthy. I love the bountiful baskets because it puts so much fresh fruit and vegetables right in front of us. Things I normally wouldn't buy are given to me. This weekend I did receive 4 yams or sweet potatoes I really don't know the difference. I am going to look up the picture online later so that I can figure out what I have and how to cook it because I really never cooked either one of those. On facebook I follow a page called Healthy Momma and they are doing a competition with weight loss and I joined. you had to email them your measurements and I have to say doing that was an eye opener for me. It was horrible. I really need to work on my weight and exercising on a regular basis. I have these waves of working out a lot and then not working out at all for a long period of time. I am at a weight I never thought that I would be and I am not worried about being skinny I just want to be healthy. So even though this competition is on facebook and it is really going off the honor system I am going to work and try my best.

I am thinking of selling my car and using public transportation because it is just going to break down again and I can not afford to fix it or to buy a new car. I am going to contemplate this for a while because I would have no way of going to the store and leaving to take the girls somewhere if they needed to go and I don't want to call him to come and help me because that just will give him more reason to try to hold on. So this will be something to think about for a while. I am going to try to see how much money I can save this month and see if I am able to put money away with every paycheck and see if I can build it up. We shall see.
Well that is all for now.

Where the hell is everyone???!!!!

Sorry this is going to be an angry blog so if you don't want to read it please don't.

Where are all the people that call themselves my friends???? First let me start by saying that no member of my family has called to check on me and see how I am doing, at all! My mom has been through 3 divorces and for 2 of them I always checked in on her and my sisters were calling her constantly. Why can't the same be done for me! Why does no one seem to care at all about how I or my kids are doing?! Last night I had a very painful conversation with my husband and was balling after I got off the phone and I needed to talk to someone and I had no idea who to call because who really is there for me. I have one friend that checks in on me all the time but she had something of her own to worry about last night. I also have another friend who has been there during this from the beginning but I feel like I lean on her too much. I just feel that when times get tough people disappear. I believe that I have been there for other people when they have gone through tough times but seems like I am all alone in this. I guess that is OK in a way because I get to find out who really truly cares and sometimes the people that call themselves your best friend turn out to not be there when it matters. To the very few that do check in and send me really sweet text messages and calls to see how I am doing thank you very much this angry blog does not apply to you. If you don't call me I am not going to call you simple as that so if you don't hear from me you know why! You spend just about 18 years of your life with someone and try to end it, it is going to be painful and hard. I hate the fact that he is having such a hard time with this but he is still not doing what he needs to do to take care of himself. I am just venting here but my feelings are hurt, my self esteem is gone and I don't know what the hell to do or say or how to act. I want everyone to believe that everything is OK but it isn't and it probably won't be for a while. I am not trying to be mean I just feel like I am going to take care of my kids and myself and everyone that is there for me. But what hurts the most is that my own family does not call me to see how the girls and I are doing. But I guess everyone is too wrapped up in their own little world than to worry about what is going on with everyone else. well that is all the venting for now

I survived!!!

So my first weekend alone without the kids went well. I was able to go see them and kiss them goodnight on Friday night. Saturday I brought them home to take showers and get a change of clothes to have for Sunday. On Sunday morning around 10am I went to pick them up. So I really wasn't kid free I still saw them everyday. I did however go out and go to the casino with a friend. I did not spend any money (because I have none) but still had a really good time. I am going to make sure I have plans every weekend that they are not with me so that I am not the loser that stays home sad all weekend waiting for them. I really did enjoy being able to go out and not have to worry about anyone else but myself. I need ideas on what to do though I have never had this kind of freedom before and it is a little overwhelming. Any ideas? Most everyone is married with kids so it isn't like I have a lot of single friends to go and hang out with and even if I did that isn't my scene anyway. I am wanting to go dancing though. It gives me a sense of release. I am thinking of doing the Zumba at the club that they have once a month. Plus I also want to get really involved in activities. I would like to find a group of friends that do things together but I need to meet more people. I am not ready to start dating or meeting people in that sort of fashion yet. I still have my husband who is very sad and depressed but I hope he feels better soon. I don't know what is right or wrong to do with him anymore. I don't know if avoiding him will be better or slowly distancing myself more and more from him would hurt him less. I guess in time it will all figure itself out.

I really am wanting to find out who actually reads my blogs so if you feel inclined please leave me a comment. I am not doing this for that purpose but I see page views and it just peaks my curiosity.

My adventure of putting together a kitchen table and chairs as a single person was interesting this weekend. I was able to attach the legs to the table and get that put together but the chairs however where a complete different story. I looked at all the pieces and almost gave up right then and there. I called my grandpa to see if he would be able to come over and help me because I didn't even know where to begin. He came yesterday and we spend about two hours and all we managed was to get part of the base of the chair together. It was a disaster. My grandfather is someone who does well with things like this and the directions were so hard to understand and the parts all looked the same that I gave up about 30 minutes into the project and he gave up two hours in. I just threw everything on top of the table and said I would take a picture of what it was and looked like and post on Craigslist and say come and get it if interested. But after thinking about it for a few days I decided I would just take it back. When I called customer service and explained that I no longer wanted the table because it was just to complicated to put together to woman on the other end sounded so irritated with me. I said I didn't want it and I want to return it. So I am going today with all the pieces and the skeleton of the chair we managed to put together and getting my money back. I told my grandparents yesterday that I would just buy a couple bar stools and my girls and I will just eat at the bar that every apartment comes with. At least that will give me a little extra room that the stupid table would be taking up. If I ever do end up buying another table, and lets face it I really do need a table but my pride won this battle, I will make sure that it is one that is already put together off the floor.

Well that is all for today, until tomorrow.......

The first weekend......

So today makes the first weekend that the girls will be staying with their dad. I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. My girls have been pretty much on top of me since this whole thing happened. My oldest and her dad are having a lot of problems right now and not getting along to well but I still think it is best for her to go even if she spends most of the time at her cousins house this way she gets into the routine. I had a long talk with my husband last night and think that he understands that we will not be getting back together. It is really hard to see him so sad and depressed but this is just what needs to happen.

I came to realize last night that I have people that really do care about me. I know one of them has been praying for me and my girls and probably even my husband. I thank you June because I can feel it. I know that I have some people I can vent to and will just let me explode and get it all off my chest and let me cry and give me hugs when I need it. I know that it won't always be this hard but right now it is. My children honestly seem to be doing better than him and I are.

But on to this weekend! I will be free for the first time in a long time and I have nothing to do. It will be nice just to relax and read a bit maybe rent a movie or two. I am going to church on Saturday. Sunday before I pick up the girls I am going to get the meals for the week prepared to be cooked so all that I have to do when I get home during the week is cook it and the preparation is done. So doesn't that sound like a blast, lol. Maybe sooner than later I will be going out and letting lose. Who knows but I am really actually looking forward to doing a lot of nothing this weekend. I think I may go out to a movie tonight and see Gangster Squad but other than that and church and my first bountiful basket experience first thing Saturday morning I don't have much planned. Well one reason being that I am super broke. This living on my own crap pretty much sucks because I have no extra money but I guess in time I will learn how to stretch my dollar. Maybe I will go to the gym and get my sweat on. This is time for me to really focus on me and get me happy and focused.

Life is an adventure and sometimes it seems that the mountain you are climbing is never ending but I bet that once I reach the top of this mountain that the view is going to be amazingly breathtaking. I feel that honestly I have earned it. So I wish the same for my husband and hopefully he will realize that this is all for the best. We can be amazing co-parents together and the greatest of friends we just need to give it the time that is needed.

Well that is all for now. One of my friends had me look up a country song called every storm runs out of rain and if I knew how I would put the link up here on this post but so far I am not that savvy with this site. I will get better and figure more things out but if you get a chance listen to that song it is amazing.

Heart broken and moving on

So how do you go about breaking some one's heart over and over again. I thought that when you said you wanted a divorce and move out with the kids that it would be the start of some sort of closure. Apparently not. My husband is trying harder than ever to get the marriage to work. I wish that this was done years ago then there maybe would have been a way to work things out but I have been so unhappy for several years. I don't know but I am not really wanting to work things out at this time. I don't know if anyone reads this but if anyone has any advice on how to end things without hurting the other person more than expected please let me know. It breaks my heart to see him hurt but I can't let that be a reason to stay with him because the feelings a wife has for a husband are not there. I think that we could be great friends but not so much husband and wife.

On to other things now. Today I started making my own healthy breakfast, lunch and have healthy items for snacks also my dinner is cooking as we speak in the crock pot at home. I am going to do that from now on to cut down on cost of eating out and getting healthy and saving money as well. I signed up to get bountiful baskets this weekend to help out with getting items for an amazing price and stocking my fridge with healthy things to snack and to cook with. I have never done the bountiful baskets but I have heard great things about it. I am trying to only have healthy options at home for myself and my girls. My kids for the most part are healthy but one is pre-diabetic so I want to teach them that eating healthy is just as satisfying as junk food and better for you. It is not my new years resolution to eat healthy because I feel like when you make a resolution that you never seem to keep it. In a way this separation is almost a blessing of sorts. I now have to really budget my money and buying food is a whole lot cheaper than going out. I need to figure out things for us to do that are free or really inexpensive.

I never thought that I would do a blog and I read other people's blogs and just really enjoy getting to know that person in a way. Doing this is a big release. If I had to write things down in a journal then I would loose interest quickly because writing takes time, but typing is so much easier and faster.

It is funny though when you go through things like this and the people you thought were the closest to you kind of stay away, and other people you didn't think cared so much are the ones continuing to check in on you, making sure you are OK and offering their time to just sit and spend time with you. I do not like to call people with problems and have them listen to my sob story but this separation / divorce is extremely hard and when you have your own mom telling you not to dwell on it makes you wonder why people don't understand. It is hard, I am going to cry. I am going to question my decision and I love him but am not in love with him so let me vent if I want to. Let me cry to you, listen to me, do not speak badly of him to me because I do not want to hear that. He is still a good man and has done a lot for me. He helped me move, paid to have my car fixed etc.. since this whole thing has happened. He is hurting and I feel bad that he is hurting so cut me a break I have a heart. He will always be a part of my life because of our two beautiful daughters and because I want him to be. I am not doing this because I dislike him I just feel that things will work out better with us a friends and co-parents then they would as husband and wife. So please if you know someone that is going through something similar they may know that this is the best thing but that does not make the process any easier it is still painfully hard and that person just needs someone to be there. Even if it is to take them out and buy them a few drinks so that they can loosen up, go to church with, have coffee with or maybe a lunch. Just be there that is all that I want, please don't disappear because then who do we really have. for the people that are my rock through this I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The things I have had to deal with in the past year and if you know me you know what I am talking about is cake compared to this. So let me know you are there even if it is just a call. I promise you that I will never forget it and will return the favor if ever needed.