And so life begins again

My girls and I are all moved in to our new apartment. Everything except the kitchen table is all set up. I really don't know how I am going to do this alone. Finances are so tight right now but I just really have to come up with a plan to make everything work. My husband has really been asking me to try to work things out and sometimes it feels like I should and then other times I feel like I just need to be alone with my kids. There is just so much that I can not get over that has happened in our past and things that I feel like have never been explained fully or come clean on. I am at a loss. I guess this is what happens after a separation, your mind just goes a mile a minute and you don't really know which way is up or down any longer. I think that I need to distance myself from him a little more so that I can figure things out. As of right now I have a year lease on my apartment and so we will be separated for at least a year. I think that I just feel really bad that he is so sad and that makes me question the decision that I have made. but I need to really but myself and my feelings first. It is painful but that can't be a reason to go back to being unhappy again. I really just don't know. I need time to think and just be me. Who knows what will happen maybe he will get sick of this and move on soon, and right now I am OK with that, I want him to. That way it makes things a little easier on me. I just don't think I want to be married anymore. I didn't make this decision without thinking it all through for a very long time. I just don't know how to make him understand that. He is a great person and he does everything in the world for me and I appreciate that so much. He is a good father that puts his kids first and does everything in the world for them. But I have fallen out of love with him. I love the person that he is but I am not in love with him the way a wife should be. I don't regret what I have done at all I believe that this needed to happen. He needs to get healthy and we need to be happy. If one day we do get back together it will be on better terms but right now I think that I am going to enjoy the time I have with myself and spend it making me happy. I do not plan on doing crazy things but to not have someone constantly looking over my shoulder will be great. Although at this time I still get calls wondering where I am and how long I will be there etc.. but that will be changing soon I hope. I just need to make it clear that we are separated and that even though it is extremely sad that this is the best thing for both of us at this time. We both have things we need to focus on besides each other. I need to get healthy with my weight and eating habits and find a exercise routine that works with my life and get my kids active. I want to be able to go and come as I please without explanations. This is the beginning of a whole new life and I am going to embrace every bit of it.